what day is it and did you see me today?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
