The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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