Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
