shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
