my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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