I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
