i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
