There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
