He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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