oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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