I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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