I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
