lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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