Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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