i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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