So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
