Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
