someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
