my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
