i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
