a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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