I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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