Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
