I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
