we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
