my mouth tastes like poor choices
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
