i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
