So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
