I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
