I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
