im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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