she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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