Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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