I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
