sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
