This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
