News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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