So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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