you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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