after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
