I just threw up on my dentist
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
