I cannot find my penis.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
