What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
