she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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