totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
