that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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