high people should be assigned attendants
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
