Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
