The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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