last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
