it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
