dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
