very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
