my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
