If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize