She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
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I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
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Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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