Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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