I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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