im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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