well I can't set my house on fire every night
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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