bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize