the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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